Wednesday Morning Abbreviated News Report

11 11 2009

Headlines: Local family literally drowns in phlegm.

International News: Did you know in Canada Veterans’ Day is called Remembrance Day? Did you know that as of this morning, I was aware that it was Remembrance Day in Canada, but not that it was Veterans’ Day here?

Business News: My morning-shift counterpart turning the Canada desk over to me: “So, yeah, Ottawa…uh, I wasn’t paying attention. I don’t care.”

On this Day in History: November 11, 1850: approximately 1,262,109,357 people take shits. Oblivious to the significance of this, America and much of Western Europe continue to be imperialist dicks.

Joke of the Day: What did Australia say to Africa after South America struck out swinging? “Europe.”

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