reflections from this time last year

30 11 2009

I started this damn blog to be a bigger, better version of my old myspace blog where, despite the dubious awesomeness of the site itself, I blogged faithfully and often for several years of my life.  It was really perfect for what I wanted – somewhere I could basically journal, shoot shit, chew time, and not give a shit about people actually reading it (so it was always a pleasant surprise to find that a few did.)

I may or may not one day undertake the project of copying and reposting my myspace archives here. I’d like them to be someplace I – and maybe others? – actually visit from time to time, not buried away on an outdated social networking site I’d be done with all together if it weren’t for the damn blog.

Anyway, since I’ve just now finished up with my UCSD application – the first of 4 I have to complete by the New Year – and since we decorated the house for Christmas and began our Christmas movie viewing this weekend, I find myself reflecting on how fast this year went by; on who I was last year and who I am now.  It’s one of my favorite parts of winter.

I definitely have a strong urge to hibernate, marked first and foremost by my tendency, when the whether gets cold, to lock myself in my room every waking moment and become extremely attached to my armchair and takeout menus. But I think hibernation is really the set of behaviors that marks this time I spend reflecting on the year.

There are so many things. New people, and places. Accomplishments – and failures.  I am never the same person at the end of a year that I am at the beginning, and I’m thankful for the myspace blog (and for my foresight, or maybe boredom) that allows me to keep track of my progress and gives me physical evidence of times past that I wouldn’t want to forget.  Anyway, below are some excerpts from my end-of-year posts from last year.

As the year of the ox – my year – draws once again to a close. I’ll be 36 the next time around.  I wonder what I’ll think then of having written this, now.

From Clusterf*ck of Fate, Dec 29th, 2008

But I don’t know…I’ve had a pretty shitastic year, as you’ve probably gathered. 2009 is the year of the Ox and that means it’s my fucking year, bitches! For only the second time since I was born. I’ve had enough of this moping, of ennui, of apathy, of stagnation. I’ve had enough of waiting around for something to happen that will magically sweep me into a niche in the real world so I can belong. Enough of adjustment. I’m ready to do for myself.

I have grown up a lot this year, I think, and not just because I had to get a job or missed my bill payments for the first time. I’ve come to enjoy being by myself and embarking on projects (productive or otherwise) in my spare time. I’d like to think I’ve grown out of my extended hissyfit over things-not-going-my-way. I feel ready to put my life into some kind of order, ready to take comfort in routine. It’s the only way people get by when they spend 40 hours a week doing a job they can only stand.

For the most part, I’ve already made the first inkling of headway on my projects for 2009, and that will make things a bit easier. I’ve already begun writing more, multiple times a week, sometimes every day, thanks to the wonder of blogging. It’s not necessarily always writing that I value in the same way as poetry, but it’s a release, and moreover, it has reminded me that I CAN write.

Right now Stephen is at home cleaning my room as a Xmas present, so when the clock hits midnight on the 31st I’ll have a beautiful space that I feel proud to inhabit (thanks Ste!). I have a plan, and even if it doesn’t pan out as I’ve envisioned it, at least I know where I’d like to be and that I can take steps towards getting there.

Maybe it’s the fact that I stopped drinking at 10pm. Maybe it’s that I actually got to see and feel the sun today since I’m working a day shift. Maybe it’s that I got to kick it with mi abuelita Rich for the past few days. But I’m feeling pretty damn good today.

From The Year of the Ox, January 1st, 2009

Yes, it’s 5:17 am on New Year’s Day, and I am at work.

Also, my esophagus is aflame with the MSG of a thousand fiery fried dumplings. And probably more Coke than any normal human should consume. So there’s that. Blerg…

So. It’s my year now, second since the year I was born. It doesn’t feel much different right now, just more heartburney and tired. Of course one really couldn’t ask for a more miserable start to the year than waking up at 3am. You think the worst part is the physical act of waking up and getting out of bed in the pitch dark only 3 hours into your night’s sleep, and then you confront the physical act of getting out of the shower in the house that hath never known heat. Brrrr.

But I am determined to keep my hopes high. It’s like Liz said at Indian buffet breakfast yesterday, the year is going to start off kind of shitty and slowly build up. That’s fine with me. We can take the time to shake off the hangover of 200fucking8. I predict we’ll be sipping hot pho for the first couple of months until the fog clears.

Mmmm. Pho. I wish I could do take-out pho when I go home later, but then I wouldn’t get to mix in all the delishes chili oils and hot sauces and jalapeno slices, and that’s really half the phun of pho anyway(kill me now).

oh. my. god. and an avocado shake. phuck it, maybe i’ll go later. and, yes, i will cease and decist with the phunnin’ around. right now. am also done having sweet reveries of vietnamese food. riiiiiiiight……………………………now.

oh god. im slipping into my little warm florescent coma. the light…it’s so soothing. the air…it’s so warm… it’ll be kind of like i came in and slept for 8 hours and then left. only without all the health benefits of actual sleep!

yesterday after i dined with liz i hung out with jessye for a while. i’m pretty sure some hysterical things emerged from the haze of our interaction, but i’ll be damned if i can remember anything. except that we were talking about our distinct predilections for booze (J) and qqch (me) and then Jessye said

“that’s why i decided to quit smoking after this.”
“oh, really?”
“no, not at all.”

also, we had two incidents in which one of us mentioned something in real life and the other thought they were talking about facebook. first in reference to a note on J’s wall, then in reference to poking someone. aack.

now all that’s left besides managing to stay awake through this goddamn shift is to create my to-do list for the new year. yesterday i mailed my bills. CHECK! and i actually have enough money in my account to pay them. CHECK!…

after that on the agenda is SAVE MONEY. nebulous and near-impossible in this financial climate, i know. i’m working out the kinks. but i need money for travel and grad school in 2010 and i have to start somewhere.

i’d also like to start scheduling some sort of routine physical activity so my muscles don’t fucking atrophy. i’m thinking stoner yoga.

blerg. now i’m still writing because if i stop i’ll have to find something else to do on these internets. oh, well. time to go meet my celebrity gossip-related fate…

happy new year and shit. oxes FTW.

Reflections on these in a future post.

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