paralyzed with donkeys

19 01 2010

so, right, posting. everyday.

I know it’s been a long one when I’m actually disappointed that there’s not more overnight construction in Montreal.

Oof.

So, what? I don’t know. I did not, in fact, give in to temptation last night, even though I had fairly well convinced myself I was going to while driving home. But once I got there, it came around and…

I just didn’t feel like. Which is Exhibit A of why I’m pretty sure my main problem here is my nicotine addiction. That and the intense, tangible cravings I get during the day. Luckily I’ve been trapped here, cigless so …ha! I’ve got myself trapped, TRAPPED LIKE A RATAHAHAHAHA!

Anyway, you can pretty much see where I’m at with all this. I don’t know what will happen tonight. And as I’ve said to various people throughout the day (in a shameless attempt to find someone who will convince me to give in), I can never discern if I have shitty willpower, or amazing skill at talking myself out of things.

Both, I imagine. The good news is that although it’s only been 36 hours I am back on track with my diet and exercise. And just as I remembered, the dieting part, at least, is no big deal. The hardest part of it is making sure I eat breakfast within an hour of waking up every morning without fail. That and not eating before bed which, of all my poor eating habits, is the most detrimental. It’s not even like I have a light snack, it’s like I’ll eat a tub of hummus and a pint of ice cream and pass out. Not only is the whole concept of eating before bed unhealthy, but I always seem to make the worst possible food choices late at night.

But for today I’ve only had about 600 calories so far so I can enjoy a decent dinner without worry and hopefully that will prevent late-night snacking, lapse of willpower or no.

I wonder what I’ll eat? And yes, these posts are likely to be filled with paragraphs of mundane discussion of how much I have or have not eaten that day.

Because what else goes on in a work day? Yesterday, being predictably out-of-sorts I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling for an hour or so before getting myself on the bike for 30 minutes, reading the first chapter of my Billy Sothern book and passing out. Not exactly a titillating adventure worthy of flowery prose.

And I have been sleeping awful deeply the last couple of nights, as well as having some intense dreams that I don’t fully remember upon waking. Now that is a mystery, albeit one without clues, noir-style cityscapes or dolled-up dames strolling through my office door.

And really, what kind of mystery is that?

No kind. No kind.

Even I amaze myself at my ability to blather on in the face of nothing to say.

Perhaps I’ll find enough content to make another attempt at a post. (But more likely if I post again it will be 100% boredom, 0% content.) For most of what is going on in my life right now is Kim Murray’s shit. Well, and this lame “productive,” “healthy” crap. Ew.

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oh and btw…

18 01 2010

Did I forget to toot my own horn about what a great decision moving out was?? How can this be?!?

I love my new house. In spite of our rough start (being sick and all), I love my big, beautiful room, I love having my friends so close by (and so willing to visit!) I love having a space all my own, my easy-going roomies, the nearby options for shopping and entertainment, cooking my own food, and the easy-breezy relationship with rents who now miss having me around instead of wishing I would get out of their hair.

I’m still getting accustomed to embracing this newly rediscovered freedom. But damn am I loving it.





To Do or Not To Do

18 01 2010

So here are a few things that I can do to keep me on track this week. First of all, I got my exercise bike down to the house yesterday, and it had always been my intention to get back into my diet and exercise routine of several months ago after the new year. I’m still 10 pounds down from my starting weight – I lost 15 pounds in just a couple of months and it has taken me the last 4 to put 5 of them back on.

Conclusion? Losing weight is actually easier than we’d like to admit – and WAY easier than gaining weight (at my weight, anyway). I mean, while I was dieting I never felt like I was suffering unduly due to my restricted calories, and even after my devotion to biking faded I was still losing weight at a decent pace.

On the other hand, it has taken MONTHS of extremely devoted overindulgence and extravagant late-night snacks to put those 5 pounds back on. So I’m back on the calorie-counting train. Which brings us to distraction number one from smoking:

exercising. I have no doubt that simply “not smoking” will seem a very attractive activity once I replace all of my cravings with workouts.

organizing my music. Rich made me an absolutely phenomenal set of mix CDs and a selection of albums he thought I’d enjoy for Xmas this year, and I have yet to rip all of that music to my PC. And I just know that I will regret it deeply if I don’t get it done before the CDs become too scratched or, you know, lost, to import. And researching and labeling all of the tracks is a good several hours’ worth of work.

reading my new books. What’s not to love? I’m already a good bit into one of my David Sedaris collections, and I’m psyched to read Billy Sothern’s book as well. Overall, I need to start stretching my brain in the event that I get accepted to grad school in the fall.

writing every day. Probably in this damn blog, mostly because I can’t even picture milking any poetry from the veins of my drab life. But if it’s going to happen, there’s no place better than my new house in a new part of the city that’s just out there waiting to get to know me…

cleaning my house. It’s not exactly a train wreck, but it is a little gross that I haven’t swept out my room or cleaned the main bathroom since we moved in. And the kitchen and living room seem to be a perpetual mess…we really need a wetjet and (be still my heart) a vacuum cleaner…

So it’s not that I don’t have plenty to keep my busy…it’s more about whether or not I can convince myself of the rewards of being productive. Good things are hard to do…





Back on track

18 01 2010

Alternate title: Whoops!

I kind of ducked out of reality post-NYE, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was moving – a nightmare – followed closely by crippling plague. That “sigh of relief” I was supposed to experience following my move and the conclusion of my graduate applications…well, it was more of a wheeze of despair.

But I suppose I should start at the beginning. I had an amazing NYE. As always, what was actually a non-plan involving only Kim Murray and a couple of bottles of alcohol turned into an all-out celebration. J came over and we had a couple of drinks and a smoke before heading over to Ewa and Michal’s, where we held an impromptu year-ending dance party on the front porch as a counterpoint to the old people’s “quiet reflection time” that was apparently going down inside.

We laughed and joked and decided that although the goal was ambitious for 2010, we will be Kings of New York in 2012.

I don’t know what that means, but I have to say, I’m pretty excited. I want to reign over those lights we streaked over on the 278 on the way to LI…

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come onnnn 9 o’clock

31 12 2009

It really would be a shame if I was forced to stab myself in the face out of sheer boredom, having already survived 364 7/8 days of 2009.

And so I turn to you, good blog, to keep my hands otherwise occupied (out of the corner of my eye I caught the left sneaking toward the plastic cutlery…)

If only I had something more to say. This morning I was all ready to come in and do some deep retrospective of the decade on here…I read through all my old myspace blogs and even dug up my old livejournal account…what a trip that was. Apparently I really have been blogging since the turn of the century.

Well, practically. In reality I blogged for about 3 weeks in 2001 and then not again until 2005, and I’ve been blogging with relative regularity ever since. It was surreal reading those old livejournals…first of all, the ridiculous things I got all worked up about in HS, like that rotund girl Michelle ditching me one day after school.

It was funny seeing the venom in my words and remembering that even at the time, I didn’t like Michelle. I found her boring and she had literally the most annoying voice of anyone, anywhere. She was like Janice from Friends if Janice had a rabid opossum stuck in her throat. Joe and I only hung out with her on a rare occasion because she provided a great target for our stinging wits. It’s hilarious how upset I apparently was over her perceived slight.

But I guess in HS we take everything way more seriously than necessary. Isn’t that the definition of angst?

Anyway, it makes me glad I didn’t have any friends at the time to read that shit! I posted a few last entries on livejournal in 2005, right before I created my myspace blog, and it’s amazing how much more maturely they’re written than the early blogs. Thank god for life after puberty, huh?

Point being, just reading those old blogs made me tired of thinking about how things were then…

Now I’m having an eerily cordial conversation with the ex on facebook…more in the new year…





the 10s approacheth…

30 12 2009

I submitted my University of Miami application this morning.

All that remains of the grad school work to be done is to revise my personal statement for Brown and submit that application, which is but the work of a couple hours at most. I’m going to finish at least the personal statement before I leave work today, and grad school work and worry will be a thing of the past by this time tomorrow.

Which is excellent, since I have just made plans to be fly with Murray on New Year’s Eve. It’s somewhat of a tradition, after all. Except for last year, when I fell asleep before midnight because I had a 5am shift on the 1st (another thing 2009 has happily relegated to the past!!), I have made it a point to spend my NYE with Murray ever since ’06/’07, when her quiet celebration and the smashing of plates set the tone in no small part for the utterly transformational year to follow.

And though none of the years since have captured quite the same magic, this year has more than earned a thankful night of debauchery and engendered plenty of hope for the one to come.

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back to blerg

28 12 2009

Back to work today and wondering where exactly those 5 days went. I guess the price you pay for being able to forget you have a job for a few days is that when you go back you basically forget you had a vacation. It’s my fault, really, for creating such a great cognitive gap between work and personal time that I can’t juxtapose the two.

But of course, it’s the gap that keeps me going.

Overall, my vacation was amazing. It didn’t turn out as epic as I had maybe hoped (what does?) and the Xmas party was largely a bust for me, as Ste ended up being the only one of my friends who showed. The punch was a big hit, and people had a good time, but in the end I sort of felt like I spent $150 getting my brother’s friends drunk, and me and Ste just had an evening much like any other.

I need to remember for future reference that for whatever karmic reason, I should not throw Xmas parties. I think 2 years in a row of getting burned by all my invitees sends a pretty clear message.

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