I don’t know why it hasn’t occurred to me – or, rather, has only infrequently occurred to me – to post here this past week. As I observed once on some blog, maybe not this one, my posting seems to pick up in frequency and length when I am for some reason unhappy. (Yay, writing). So in a big way, it’s a good thing that I’ve been slacking on my blogging duties.
I’ve also been getting a good deal of other work done. Budgeting for one. In spite of the fact that I may end up coming up short this summer it will be by far, far less than I’ve been anticipating. In large part because I intend to exercise my option to withdraw the money from my 401k. All in all, the outside support I’ll need for everything from living expenses here to the move should come up to no more than a few hundred dollars – and I may be able to avoid borrowing money from my Dad altogether if I get my shit together and apply for a credit card. Which I’ve been meaning to do anyway. For, like, years.
The manner and timing of my departure has also been decided, and I really couldn’t be more pleased. My girl is going to drive down with me, and we’ll have a 4-day layover in Columbia with Rich before we head the rest of the way to Miami. The stress and anxiety I might have about leaving will be drastically mitigated by looking forward to this mini-vacation, and by knowing my girl will be with me right up until the last moment.
And for whatever reason – I don’t know what’s changed in the past week or so – the part about being left alone in Miami just doesn’t seem quite so huge right now. After all, saying “See you in a few months” just isn’t the same as saying goodbye.
I’m sure more anxiety and panic is still to come, but for now I’m just happy to feel saner about the whole thing.
Part of it, I’m pretty sure, is the ever-nearer end of my employment here. Coming in every day, while it does still suck, feels sort of like the last days of the school year now. My morning commute is just a sunny drive spent mulling over the seemingly endless possibilities for fun and recreation that await me only 6 days, 2 hours and 55 minutes from now. Everything seems to be opening up. And for right now, Miami feels like a big part of that.
A while ago my girl said to me that she thought she was lucky to have met me at this particular point in my life, and I think she’s right. In spite of how much it sucks to have such a good thing and know that I can’t stick around in quite the usual way, if I wasn’t leaving then there would be no count down to leaving work. There would be no tiny hope of a future for me that isn’t at this job – hell, there wouldn’t even be a break in the cards since I used up all of my PTO in the first 4 months of this year.
I would just be that same, directionless stoner, a waste of potential, and totally in the dark about what my life was supposed to be. And as much as it will suck to leave what I have here behind, it would suck so much worse if what I had here was all I had going for me. That’s definitely not a healthy way to be in a relationship.
But who the fuck knows? I’d be willing to bet if I wasn’t admitted to grad school I would never have acted on this crush in the first place. Direction and meaning in life, man. You never know what it’ll inspire you to do.
As for the way things ARE…they’re great. We’ve progressed past the point of feeling constantly emotionally vulnerable. And we’re learning to read each other much better, be more patient with each other, and to be able to tell the difference between things that are a big deal and things that just need to be let go. (And, yeah, by “we” I do mean mostly me.)
She continues to be just great. And to think I’m just great, apparently. Ah, the mutual ego-stroking that is love. Such a sweet thing.
So I could babble some more about how much I love just being near her, looking at her, talking to her. Or about all the amazing things I hope to accomplish, all the good times I intend to have between now and when I depart, but the conclusion is all the same.
I’m happy. I’m frequently ecstatic, even. I’m unbelievably lucky, luckier than I ever even suspected, and I have a lot of faith in my luck. Shit is pretty damn good.